SPOILERS!! AT NO POINT IN TIME WILL I BE IN A WONDERFUL OUTFIT SHOWING OFF MY FABULOUS OUTFIT :) Now I know this is not a usual post for me, I never really know how to get up close and personal with people that I don't know or have in my "corner" however on this sleepy Friday morning whilst I sip on this wonderful blend of mint mojito soy coffee, I cant help but to dive in my past. Bare in mind, this is the first time i have felt this calming ok spirit to invade my own privacy and make it public. so LETS TALK ABOUT THE TIME I QUIT MEDICAL SCHOOL.
All my life I always knew I wanted to become a doctor. My entire life worked around the plan. 1. Finish high school strong.2. Get into a great college that's got a great balance of partying and studiousness( GO MORGAN BEARS!!) 3. Get a great scientific job make some money get an idea of the real world 4. Go to medical school and become the best damn cardiothorasic surgeon.
So here we are first day of the rest of my life and I am scared shitless I mean uncontrollabe anxiety and I start to feel numb on a daily basis, like I have been injected with some local anesthetic into my heart which hasn’t worn off. My daily routine consist of hours of Intensive studying over prolonged periods of time which in many cases resulted in burnouts, loss of focus, and depression. In the new research published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, researchers analyzed nearly 200 studies of 129,000 medical students in 47 countries. They found that 27% of medical students had depression or symptoms of it, and “It’s kind of paradoxical, give that they should recognize the signs better than anyone.” You see, behind the boasting and ‘I’ve got it all together’ image, I always have to remind myself that not everyone is a Ben Carson. I was always depressed and filled with anxiety. I considered living through this with chemistry(drugs) It was most definitively a recipe for success however something about knowing that I couldn't do something completely all on my own and subjecting to chemical release from adderall and xanax made me feel weak(ego).If I am miserable, full of anxiety and depression, it would be a disservice to both myself and the patients I would treat. These feelings did not stem from not loving what I study or being forced to, it came from being too hard on myself, feeling like I did not study enough, like that 2 hour nap the past 48 was too much or that meal i had 2 days ago wasn't one I deserved because I did not get 100 on that anatomy exam. Couple this with some family problems, i made the decision to leave things in Gods hands
Did I lack dedication? NO! Was I running because things got hard? NO! I simply realize that I did not the right mindset to become a doctor AT THE TIME. I honestly can say if I stayed in medical school at that time i would have worried myself to death so i think of it this way, what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his health?. This journey has taught me that there are a lot of ways to touch people’s lives in a meaningful way, it was an experience I would never back because I met some incredible people (Karina), some lovely professors and i realized how badly i want this.
Now if you are have African parents or simply grew up in a traditional home you know that quitting anything is just a NO NO. Except if you don't mind being the black sheep of the family who has been disowned then you are simply just a bad ass. Coming home from medical school and sitting with my parents felt like i was carrying a big A on my chest, THE NEW SCARLET LETTER! I for one embrace the symbol and wear it proudly. Sometimes when I realize that I was where I always wanted to be and simply walked away I feel a rush, I feel numb yet I have to stop, breath, and remind myself its OK. As my depression weakened my emotional health forcing me to abandon my dreams, my creative mind found strength hence why I decided to get back blogging.
WHAT NOW? Listen all we have in life is just a plan and we pray to God that everything works out well. For now I know I am doing something i love, creating content and slowly figuring out how i can influence the healthcare field. I plan to open several clinics in Nigeria and raise public health awareness for vaccinations in several countries. In the mean time i got a great job, currently working on graduate school, and I guess this is simply a break for now since i know for sure i will be going back to medical school and stronger this time, think of it as being on standby.
That is all for now guys, however I will leave you with my favorite quote of all times by a late great doctor Kalanithi and some calming sounds for your pleasure “You can’t ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.”
― Paul Kalanithi,
Blessings to you on your journey